Dedicated to the
total elimination
of SPAM and SPAMMERS!
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LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 99:
My birds are back for their second flock. They have a nest in one of the flowerpots on the front porch every year.
We don't have any trouble knowing when they're back. "Ayo" tips us off by sitting in the front window wearing a bib and humming the "Meow Mix" jingle.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 98:
"Ayo" is a television critic, it seems and somewhat of a vocalist as well.
Whenever he sees a commercial for another brand of cat food, he begins singing his own off key version of the "Meow Mix" jingle.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 97:
Most doctors, I have learned, form groups to cover each other organize loose groups so that each takes a turn for being "on call" to cover emergency cases. Such is the case with Doctor Coldfinger and several other physicians.
I got to meet a new member of their group when I was hospitalized last weekend. Frankly I liked the fill-in as a physician and as a man, but I am a bit fearful of his chances of a thriving practice. And it's not his fault. It's his name.
He has opened a plastic surgery practice here in Smalltown, Georgia, U. S. of friggin' A. You know, he does breast implants and tummy tucks primarily. That's where my concerns come in.
How many women do you know who would go to a plastic surgeon for breast augmentation or a tushie-tuck whose name is "Doctor Sagg?"
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 96:
Those who know me are aware that a cat owns me. "Ayo," (the Cherokee Indian word for, "Damn, I've got to trim those claws again!").
Ayo rules the roost here. He has an "attitude," only begrudgingly accepting Secretary Sage and me, and then only at feeding time or when he wants to be petted, two activities that seem to be fairly interchangable functions in his life.
Whenever he decides that he has had enough stroking and belly rubbing, he struts off and stands before me, presenting me with what I have come to call the "one-eyed stare."
The message is clear. "Now, feed me!"
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 95:
Once again, Georgia's high school seniors ranked 50th among all states in SAT scores, with only the District of Columbia doing more poorly.
Secretary Sage is always one to find the bright side to everything. She says that proves Georgia high school students don't cheat.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 94:
Secretary Sage has made the final commitment to moving into the hovel full time.
She has added the fire department's number to the speed dialer on the kitchen phone.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 93:
More words of wisdom from Lafcadio T. Lion:
Never go skinny-dipping in any body of water that contains snapping turtles.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 92:
Here's a word of wisdom to our mid-eastern friends.
To avoid lightning strikes, don't stand under a tree or sit next to a member of Hamas or Hezebollah in a car.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 91:
We've had a lot of rain here lately.
A neighbor friend of mine told me that he doesn't mind that at all.
He said that he moved here from the north because you don't have to shovel water.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 90:
I am really bummed out.
I went to Taco Bell last night and discovered that my shrink is working behind the counter there parttime.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 89:
I have always tried to find the silver lining in any storm cloud, but I must admit to some strongly conflictive emotions of late. Many television talking heads and an even larger number of print mavens have been "floating trial balloons" for their liberal media barely concealed desires concerning the possibility of Hillary Clinton making a bid for President in 2004.
I will flatly state that, while I cannot stomach the idea of another member of that family of Arkansas trailer trash ne'er-do-wells back in the White House, I can see one benefit from such a disaster, should such tragedy befall our nation.
At least we'd get a lot of our furniture, china, silverware and artwork back.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 88:
In order to have and keep a friend, one must learn when it is appropriate to close one eye.
In order to love someone, one must be willing to learn when to close both eyes.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 87:
My illness and prognosis have changed some of the ways I think about things. For instance, I no longer count my life in years lived.
Instead, I now count it by the things of life that have touched me in the past and the wonders remaining to me in the future I have left.
I have never felt younger or more blessed.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 86:
I have always heard that marriage is an institution.
Yet another old adage claims that love is blind.
With very little effort then, logic should indicate that, if these two clichés are accurate, then marriage is an institution best reserved for the blind.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 85:
My new cardiology team, Doctors Bumpem, Thumpem and Billem, have placed me on a new diet they say is "heart healthy."
It's a fairly straightforward plan…
"If it tastes good, spit it out!"
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 84:
It has often been said that, "He who dies with the most toys, wins."
I would submit that he who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 83:
If you need no other reason to not worry about tomorrow, consider the reality.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday and we all know we can't change yesterday.
To my way of thinking, we would be better served should we make the best of tomorrow when it becomes today so that we won't have any cause for regretting it when it does become yesterday.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 82:
Should you spend all your time regretting yesterday or worrying about tomorrow, when will you have the time to take advantage of the blessings today brings with it?
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 81:
Here's a thought to make your life more meaningful and fulfilling.
Always set your personal goals so high and worthy that even failing to reach them reflects on you with glory.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 80:
I have a cat. That simply means I have first hand knowledge in the vagaries of being owned by a cat.
People often say that cats are such "clean" animals. I disagree.
How can anything covered by cat spit be "clean?"
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 79:
In a farewell speech before both houses of Congress, General Douglas McArthur said "Old soldiers never die; they just fade away."
If that were true, I would then assume that old railroaders never die; they just lose track.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 78:
You know, being forced to confront one's own mortality can be humbling and painful.
It has been all those things and more in my particular case. I was saddened to realize that I may not serve as a good example to anyone.
On the other hand, I do have the consolation of knowing that I will have served as one heck of a severe warning for many.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 77:
I am really beside myself today.
I just discovered that the active ingredient in Viagra is "Fix-a-Flat."
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 76:
For most people, "marriage" is only a word.
Twice in my own experience, I discovered it was also a sentence.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 75:
I believe in all good things in moderation.
For me, that includes moderation.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 74:
Beer and whiskey… nature's way of assuring that even ugly men and women can also have sex…
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 73:
Single women have to make do with the tools available to them. For instance…
A friend of ours is such a lady. The other night she found a huge roach in her kitchen. Secretary Sage shuddered and asked her what she did.
She said, "I took a chance it was a male roach. So, I sat looking deeply into his eyes. Then I told him we needed to discuss commitment. Just as I thought, it was a male roach and he was gone in a flash!"
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 72:
I think the chaplain at the hospital where I now go for my radiation and chemotherapy treatments and I will get along fine.
He's my kind of clergyman.
Today he stole a Bible and gave it to me.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 71:
Nostalgia is that odd ability of a human being to vaguely remember times and events with bittersweet feelings of fondness that, when those times and events actually happened, the same human being thought sucked.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 70:
The Lafcadio T. Lion theory of physical training and exercise:
No pain… makes sense to me.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 69:
We ordered Chinese food delivered last night and I feel like Rodney Dangerfield because of it.
My fortune cookie was blank.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 68:
It's easy to tell which bottle in our medicine cabinet contains the medicine for PMS symptoms.
It's the one with the gnawed open top.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 67:
It is August 14, 2003. On this date in 1880, the Cologne Cathedral in Cologne, Germany was completed after 632 years of rebuilding. That is impressive, but you have to check for the rest of the story.
On July 12, 1248, local construction officials announced that reconstruction of the Cologne Cathedral was to be the first 100% unionized construction project in German history.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 66:
I've decided that, with things the way they are for me nowadays, I will just go ahead and be naughty for however long I have left.
That's really an unselfish decision on my part.
It will save Santa the trip.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 65:
It's a simple rule of thumb, but it has always worked for me.
If you realize that you're getting deeper and deeper into a hole, the first step you should always take is to stop digging!
However, should you look up from that hole and see a whole bunch of people looking down at you with sad faces, the rules of courtesy say you're not required to get up.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 64:
You know, I am really getting pretty well fed up with dumb questions from the "shrink" they assigned to me after my diagnosis.
For instance, he asked me the other day about my "anger" and how I am dealing with the problems the anger causes me.
I told him that I'm not having any problem whatsoever with my anger but that I am beginning to run out of places to hide the bodies.
I wonder if he has any more dumb questions for me?
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 63:
I'm kind of proud. The local university for women has asked me to teach a new course there for them during the summer quarter. It will be a part of their new "Establishing Rational Life With Estrogen" series.
The title of my new course is "Gaining five pounds prior to buying a bathing suit versus the end of the world… relative realities explored."
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 62:
Have you ever noticed?
The most beautiful sights are most often seen with the heart and the most beautiful sounds are heard with the soul; however, all loud noises before 7:00 AM are most often heard through an open bedroom window.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 60:
Someone asked me the other day which of all the languages I can read, write, speak and understand I prefer. I told them the answer is simple. I like the language my lady fair speaks to me.
It is a language even the blind can read, the deaf can hear and all can understand when it is spoken to them.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 59:
I have a new bumper sticker on my pickup.
It reads, "Ladies, bare your breasts as you pass if you like to have fun. Any fool can just honk a horn."
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 58:
The brave man does not deny that he knows fear, for only a fool would claim to never know fear. Fear is a warning of possible danger and it prevents the wise man from acting in foolhardy ways without good cause.
The thing that makes a brave man brave is that he denies fear any control over him and what he does in the face of that natural fear.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 57:
It seems that investigators are trying to determine which members of Saddam's regime were killed in the April 7th bombing of a secret meeting site in Baghdad. They are fairly certain they have identified at least one of those in attendance.
One of the DNA tests came back. When they decoded it, they discovered it spelled out, "This is not the DNA of an Iraq official."
Baghdad Bob has been found!
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 56:
Learn from the mistakes of others.
None of us will live long enough to make them all for ourselves.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 55:
If the things we worry about are the least likely to occur, I am going to start worrying about the things most likely to occur so that they won't.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 54:
While it is true that it is a harsh road to follow a dream, it is equally true that, when you do, you can often look down and see that you are walking on stardust.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 53:
There is a silver lining to every cloud. For instance, either age or all the medicines I am taking make it hard for me to remember things. Thanks to this, I get to meet lots of new people every day.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 52:
When my life is done, I hope that I shall have the wisdom to not cry because things happened.
I would also hope to have the wisdom to smile because they did.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 51:
I think the Pentagon is getting serious about its hunt for the leaders of Saddam Hussein's regime in Iraq. Even Las Vegas is getting into the act.
I understand that each card in the new deck of cards they are issuing to service men and women not only shows the face and name of the wanted men and women, it also lists their odds of survival.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 50:
Were you to stand before the grave of a young American soldier who gave his life for your freedom at any point in history and he could face you, look you in the eye and know your appreciation for his sacrifice or lack of it... would your life, words and beliefs cause him to wonder why he did?
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 49:
I knew it was too good to be true.
"Mohammed," the Iraqi lawyer who played such an important role in the recovery of Army Specialist Jessica Lynch, just sent the Department of Defense a bill.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 48:
I have been shocked by the scenes on television news programs of the looting taking place in Iraq.
We haven't seen anything like that since the Clintons moved out of the White House.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 47:
The Iraqi Minister of Information, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, or "Baghdad Bob" as he came to be known, was discovered wounded in a Baghdad hospital ward today listed under an assumed name.
Though he was weak from loss of blood, he did manage to whisper into the microphones of reporters gathered at his bedside, "Our Republican Guard troops are even now on the outskirts of Washington, D. C."
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 46:
If we follow the logic of Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, Martin and Charlie Sheen, Janeanne Garafolo and Mike Farrell, World War II was really a Republican plot to gain control of German beer production.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 45:
One of the things I have learned with advancing age is that some mistakes are far too much fun to only make once.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 44:
Have you ever noticed how happiness often sneaks in through doors you don't even remember leaving open?
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 43:
Something has been bothering me a lot of late.
Wal-Mart says they're "lowering prices every day."
So why isn't everything there available for free by now?
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 42:
Now, this one has me worried…
From the classified section of the Smalltown, Georgia, U. S. of friggin' A. NASCAR Handicap Sheet and Hog Futures Gazette comes this notice:
"WANTED - CHRISTIAN HUNTERS, 5 openings in local hunting club. Good Hope area. For info call …"
I didn't even know there was a season on us.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 41:
More advanced learning from the dictionary of Lafcadio T. Lion:
Vegetarian: n (veh-gee-tà-ree-ahn)
One who only eats vegetables, plants, nuts and berries (derived from a Native American word meaning, "can't hunt worth a damn.")
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 40:
Indecision drives me nuts!
We went shopping the other day and my lady fair couldn't decide on anything. She liked everything she saw.
I should have seen that coming.
Her favorite color is paisley.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 39:
We went out to eat the other night and took Wildman Barry, my premiere client and former cellmate with us. He wanted to go to a place that had an "all you can eat" buffet. The boy is what some folks would call a "dedicated eater."
I realized this when we got there and he pulled out his own personalized silverware and a monogrammed cloth napkin and matching bib.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 38:
All of us are conflicted these days by all the well-intentioned folks who want us to eat better. As my part in improving the health and well being of all my friends and readers, I offer the following scientifically researched information from the Lafcadio T. Lion Nutritional Laboratories and Big, Large, Tall and Extra-Wide Shoppe about healthy eating.
Chocolate is a product of the cocoa bean and therefore should be considered a vegetable.
It also contains sugar. Sugar is derived from sugar cane or beets, both members of the plant family and therefore is also a vegetable.
Most chocolate candy contains milk, a dairy product.
Marshmallow creme is made with eggs. This counts as poultry.
A great deal of chocolate candy contains cherries, plums, raisins or oranges, all fruits.
Ergo, chocolate candy is possibly the world's most perfect health food and your angst over eating a couple of pieces of chocolate candy is totally misplaced.
So there!
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 37:
The crazies are at it again!
It seems the ACLU wackos were incensed that the United States Postal Service produced stamps during the past year that honored celebrations of Christian, Jewish and Muslim religious holy days. They demanded the Postal Service do likewise for atheists.
Political Correctness won out and the Postal folks commissioned graphic artists to design a stamp to mark the beliefs of those who deny the existence of any deity whatsoever.
They got several entries and made their selection. The new postage stamp will be released soon.
It is blank.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 36:
The optimist says, "The glass is half-full."
To the pessimist, "The glass is half-empty."
I'm different.
I want to know why those fools keep using a glass that's obviously too large.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 35:
I think I finally have it figured out, guys.
Women, for the most part, only think there are two things wrong with men…
… everything they say and everything they do.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 34:
Tucker Wayne "Shorty" Babbett, owner of Tucker Wayne's Fine Men's Clothiers and Tractor Parts, has opened a brand new store in the thriving central business district of Smalltown, Georgia, U. S. of friggin' A.
Maybe it's just me, but I find the sign out in front of the new establishment to be a bit of a contradiction.
It reads… "Shorty's Big and Tall Shoppe."
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 33:
We passed the Smalltown, Georgia, U. S. of friggin' A. municipal cemetery, "Gonna Be Gone a Long Dadgummed Time Memorial Gardens, Only Partly Sanitary Landfill and Organic Fertilizer Wholesalers" while we were out today.
There was a "For Rent" sign out front.
That bothered me a little, but I became truly alarmed when I realized that Sheriff's Deputies were there to evict a "tenant."
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 32:
There's big news on the front page of the Smalltown, Georgia, U. S. of friggin' A. NASCAR Handicap Sheet and Hog Futures Gazette. It seems that Bobby Lou Fernbanker and a group of local investors have started our very own "no frills" airline service.
It really is "no frills" in a big way, too.
After the in flight meal, passengers have to take out their own garbage.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 31:
A sign of the times… a bumper sticker I recently saw on a green Ford Expedition on the other side of town:
"My kid got your environmentally-aware, politically correct, honor roll student knocked up in our gas-guzzling SUV."
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 30:
It seems that Tucker Wayne "Shorty" Babbett, owner of Tucker Wayne's Fine Men's Clothiers and Tractor Parts, has discovered the value of synergism… the joining of two related entities to accomplish mutual goals.
"Shorty" is joining forces with Cornelius Cantwell of Cantwell's Discount Funeral Depot and Wedding Chapel in a new marketing program.
They plan to start renting jumper cables to those attending redneck funerals and weddings.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 29:
I went to see Doc Coldfinger again the other day. I thought my hearing was starting to decline badly and sought his advice on getting a hearing aid.
He gave me one to try for a while to see if I could get any benefit from it. I put it on and we went out to the mall to try to enjoy a meal in the food court filled with unsupervised young people and then to a movie.
I returned the device to Doc Coldfinger. I may be better off if I can't hear.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 28:
Boy, things are really getting "uptown" here in Smalltown, Georgia, U. S. of friggin' A. We're becoming more and more modernized every day, it seems. For instance…
I was talking with Thelma Lou Maybelle Hogwarter the other day. She says that they just bought one of those new microwave fireplaces for their doublewide.
According to her, she and Buster Wayne can now enjoy a quiet evening in front of a roaring fire and it only takes them four and one-half minutes to do it.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 27:
The old government work ethic (pre-1993): three people frequently sitting or standing around watching one person actually work.
The new government method (the Clinton legacy: four people, one of whom is Asian, one who is black, one who is female and at least one of whom is probably gay, sitting or standing around, talking on government-supplied cell phones, watching one white guy actually work… infrequently.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 26:
There's tragedy to report today from the front page of the Smalltown, Georgia, U. S. of friggin' A. NASCAR Handicap Sheet and Hog Futures Gazette.
It seems the bodies of four local "good old boys" have been found, frozen to death in the Smalltown, Georgia, U. S. of friggin' A. Drive-In Theater and Sex Therapy Clinic out on State Route 83.
According to Sheriff "Cooter" Barnesworthy, it appears the four died after sneaking into the theater in hopes of seeing the feature advertised on the marquee… "Closed For The Winter."
Barnesworthy says the deaths are particularly tragic because two of the young victims, Bobby Wayne Maybanks, 34, and Tommy Lee Parton, 35, were both due to graduate sixth grade this spring.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 25:
After the jury verdict in Houston recently, will there now be a three-day waiting period for a Mercedes?
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 24:
Now they've gone too far! Tom Daschle and Dick Gephardt were on television today.
Daschle is complaining that we ought to give Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Shroeder tax breaks too and... not to be outdone; Gephardt says Saddam Hussein and Usome-a bin Laidbad deserve one as well.
Who is it exactly they "represent?"
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 23:
Let me see if I have this right…
All those demonstrators are against violence and war, and that is why they break windows, throw rocks and bottles and get into fistfights with cops. Is that about it?
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 22:
Often the greatest act of kindness is a direct result of the ability to criticize vaguely.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 21:
I was taking a shower the other day and decided to use the bottle of "body wash" instead of getting out and trying to find a bar of my usual "manly-man" soap.
I should never do such things with a head full of shampoo and closed eyes. Somehow or another, I managed to pick up the shampoo instead.
I have to admit that it did clean me fairly well, but there was a problem. All day long, I kept getting compliments and comments from members of the female persuasion about how "lustrous and luxuriant" the hair on my chest, back and legs appeared.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 20:
I just saw a poll that says that only 10-15% of American adults know where Iraq is on the globe.
I guess we're lucky that most of those are U. S. military commanders and bomber pilots.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 19:
I cannot keep silent any longer on the Hollywood celebrities who keep appearing at press conferences and anti-America rallies falsely labeled as "antiwar" gatherings to spout untruths, half-truths and flat out lies and then say that they are disgusted, humiliated and ashamed to be Americans.
I agree with them.
Martin and Charlie Sheen, George Clooney, Ed Asner, Richard Gere, Alec Baldwin, Barbara Streissand, Sean Penn, Mike Farrell and the rest of them need to know that a whole lot of us are also totally disgusted, humiliated and ashamed that those folks are Americans.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 18:
Here are some words of wisdom that will never fail you from Lafcadio T. Lion, ancient Sicilian-Italian, Scots-Irish and Native American philosopher.
There are only two rules for success in life.
First, never tell anyone everything you know.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 17:
Wildman Barry, my premier client and former cellmate, does the best with what he has.
I visited him recently and, while I was there, he showed me what he's been doing to fill his time alone. He got out a light bulb and a lamp, and then set them on the table.
Suddenly hundreds, even thousands, of cockroaches appeared. They picked up that bulb and began putting it in the lamp.
I must admit it. I couldn't help myself... it was just so easy! I asked Barry how many roaches it takes to change a light bulb. He looked thoughtful for a moment before answering.
"Well, I'm not real sure, but I do know that when they get it in all the way and that light does come on, there's sure a whole bunch of 'em running like Hell!"
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 16:
There's only one method for insuring that an elected official will remain upright and honest.
Put a noose around his neck!
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 15:
There's a new church in Smalltown, Georgia, U. S. of friggin' A, the Church of the Latter Day Impressively Inane. It has one of those garish, lighted marquees out front. I found the message there a bit disconcerting too.
It doesn't give the time for their worship services, but it does say, "Come as you are."
I have a unsettling vision of me sitting around the hovel on a typical Sunday morning, my hair sticking out in all directions, dressed in a bathrobe, slippers and, (if they're lucky) drawers, desperately needing a shave when the telephone rings and a voice advises me that services are starting now and I must come as I am.
I could easily and single-handedly set religion back more than two thousand years on any given Sunday morning.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 14:
As the years overtake us and we begin to realize that there are far fewer waking up mornings before us than are in our past, we often groan that our "get up and go" has gotten up and gone.
I suggest that you do as I do. Smile happily for you know all too well where your "get up and go" has taken you in the past and that can be a very comforting thought when you really think about it.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 13:
The LAFster has finally discovered the secret of male-female relationships. The search for this knowledge has been a long and arduous journey. The truth, when I finally realized it, was so simple, yet so clear. It was right there in front of me all along.
Here's how it works, guys.
In any dispute between a man and woman, the woman always gets the last word.
In the eyes of the woman, anything he might say after that point is simply the start of a whole new argument.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 12:
More words to live by from the LAFster…
Life can be hard and dealing with its many lessons is often expensive and troubling.
On the other hand, I have found that popping bubble wrap is only mildly annoying to others and fairly inexpensive.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 11:
Wildman Barry, my premier client and former cellmate, sees people and things a bit differently than most folks, I guess.
For example, to him a bartender is nothing more than a pharmacist with a somewhat limited inventory.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 10:
Wildman Barry, my premier client and former cellmate, is really upset with me.
I had to explain to him that a "strip mall" is not a place with a whole bunch of topless bars.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 9:
Dear Congress critters, elected officials and peace-at-any-price whiners:
When a wise man discovers that a dangerous and poisonous snake is about to bite him, he doesn't appoint a "Committee on Snakes" or ask a bunch of other folks who sell supplies to snakes for permission to do something about the danger to him and his family.
Neither does a wise man overly concern himself that the friends of the snake and people who refuse to accept that poisonous snakes are just that, poisonous snakes, might get their feelings hurt if he prevents the snake from coming into his home or kills the snake before it can strike.
Neither would he worry that he must kill snakes only after they have bitten him or a member of his family or only when it's too late and he finally has absolutely irrefutable proof that the snakes are poisonous and intend to bite.
The wise man won't subject water buffalo to the same means of protecting himself against snakes that he would use to seek out snakes and keep them away from him and his family.
That's the case of what a wise man would do. Obviously that's not the case with you folks.
Why can't our government do what they ought to have done long ago to protect us and seal off our borders without attacking our citizens' freedoms? And, exactly what is that is wrong about stopping petty, hate-filled, third world tyrants who have the will and the means to attack us, or an undisputed desire to obtain those means, before he can?
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 8:
Computers are really beginning to tick me off. They're so darned negative.
Why can't one say just once, "GOOD Command of File Name?" or even "GREAT Command or File Name?"
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 7:
Over the years I have come to realize that there are some scientific realities we can always expect. For example...
Each year we can be certain that yet another group of environmental fanatics will claim that yet another naturally occurring substance is a carcinogen and that whatever another similar group claimed to be the truth about global warming or cooling last year was wrong.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 6:
Have you ever noticed that the same people who are most willing to share their religious beliefs with you are seldom willing to have you share yours with them?
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 5:
I am getting pretty fed up with people giving me advice about how to lead a healthier life and eat "more intelligently."
I will say this for what I hope is the last time. Eating red meat is not bad for my health.
Eating green, fuzzy meat is bad for my health.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 4:
It's amazing what you can learn from some of the PBS programs. Last night I watched a special about a group of scientists who had broken the code of the hieroglyphic writings found in several ancient Egyptian pyramids and tombs. It seems they learned two things from these writings of antiquity.
They discovered that Egyptians of old used stone pillows when they slept. The second piece of heretofore-unknown intelligence is closely related.
In those days, the leading cause of death among Egyptians was pillow fights.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 3:
There's headline news today about the Smalltown, Georgia, U. S. of friggin' A. Catholic Church, Our Lady of Perpetual Payments.
They've installed a drive-through window for confessions. That's pretty "uptown" to begin with, but their sign out front is a real hoot.
It reads, "Toot and tell, or go to Hell."
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 2:
I don't believe it when people say that "life begins at fifty."
For most people, that's just when everything begins to fail, fall out or sag.
LAF LIONS Volume 6, No. 1:
A man remarries because he adored his ex-wife, or he won't remarry at all.
Men remarry for hope.
A woman, on the other hand, remarries because she hated her ex-husband.
Women remarry mostly for revenge!
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